I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
