I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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