man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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