woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
