Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
