Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
