Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
