I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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