Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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