I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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