32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
