So drunk its hurt
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
