theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
