This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
