My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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