In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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