You're so nebulous sometimes
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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