come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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