Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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