Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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