saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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