i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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