I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I looked at my own cervix.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
