Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
