so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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