Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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