I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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