Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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