So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
