Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
