He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
