So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
