The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
