I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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