literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
