What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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