Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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