Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize