I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
