i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
