I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
