You really coming over, don't trick.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
