I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
