Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
