Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
