If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
