His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
