I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
