ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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