kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize