Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
