Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize