i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize