I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
