Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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