Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
