I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
