I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
